Showing posts tagged insecure
I mean, it’s crazy how jealous I am… I wasn’t this kind of person before. I was strong, independent, and I was patient and tolerant. Again…WAS.
Not so much anymore. I am so touchy over the silliest things. I’ve been working on controlling myself, but some things are uncontrollable you know? But at the same time, I ask myself:
Well…obviously cause I love him. And now I’m insecure. I’m paranoid. I have trust issues…and they haven’t really gotten any better. He’s charming…and flirtatious without realizing it. It bothers me. But I’ve been holding it in, cause I don’t want to start something that we’ve already discussed. We talk about our skepticisms, our insecurities, our fears, but there are these little tiny things that I don’t thing make it worth it for me to bring up…so I tuck it away into brain storage, and when things add up, it’s the little things that push me over the edge.
For example, when I’ve been trying to text him all night cause he has been having a terrible day the day before, and he replies twice, with “hi” and “good. how’re you?” And I asked if he was ok, if he was mad, if he was having a good superbowl time (I mean, he’s a Seahawks fan, so this game was a big deal…and he lives in Washington so there’s tons of fanfare going on there), and he doesn’t reply all night.
Which is fine. I mean, shoot, your team just won the superbowl, and he SHOULD have a good time with his friends…
Except he still hasn’t texted me back today, and I glanced at his facebook.. (ok,ok…I stalked), and on one of his female friend’s pages (who is recently single) she tags him on facebook, saying he told her to text him, and a few hours later she tells him to call her cause she can’t ‘find him.’
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^My face. No joke.
So, here I am again, venting here… so I don’t explode over something stupid at my SO, who finally had something good happen, and he probably had a fun night, so I don’t want to be the one to ruin that.
But **don’t read further if you don’t like reading cuss words**…
Jesus. Fucking. Christ.
Why talk to some single chick and not reply to me? He KNOWS I’m insecure about him going to parties (some stupid shit always happens) and I’m fine as long as he updates me every once in awhile. He KNOWS I’m worried about him. I’m TRYING to be supportive, calm, and TRYING not to be that stupid girlfriend blowing up over nothing.
So the day before yesterday, cause he was having a bad day, we skyped before going to sleep…cause we sleep better if we see each other. It’s nice. He’s playing his game. Something’s wrong with my laptop so I can’t hear audio, but he says he can hear me, which is nice. So, I tell him I’m going to work on my stories (I type fiction stories on microsoft word as a hobby), so I have skype in half a screen, and my story in another half. And I fall asleep (it’s like 3am). I wake up, and he says, “So, what have you been up to? (I’m asleep…) I think I figured out why your audio is broken. (I’m still asleep, so I don’t reply). Have a nice chat with whoever else you’re talking to?” <——-This is the crap I woke up to. The kid thinks I was talking to someone else. I wasn’t even typing. I only got halfway through READING my story before I fell asleep. I didn’t type anything, I didn’t talk to anybody (he could hear audio from my end), so where the fuck does he get this shit from? I know he has trust issues and he’s paranoid like I am, but fuck my LIFE. I’ve told him for YEARS (and proven it) that I’m as straight as an arrow. I do not cheat. Not in the slightest sense. I’ve loved this same kid for almost my whole life, and he’s the one who has had tons of girlfriends. I just kind of stood on the sidelines and watched what he was doing (I’m his childhood friend) while twiddling my thumbs.
But fuck. Like, damn…I tried telling him there’s nothing like that going on… but what if he didn’t believe me? What if he’s SO SURE that I’m doing something and he’s doing something with someone else over there? I would break, guys. I will literally BREAK.
I’m trying my hardest here not to take a picture of the facebook conversation and send it to him and be like, “So…have a nice night?” or “Seems like you had a good time.” or “So…is this the reason you haven’t replied to me all night/morning?” I’m boiling. Like…steam is literally coming out of my ears, and laser beams are coming out of my eyes.
-slamming my head into desk-
I’m calm…I’m patient. I’m going to wait. I’m freaking out over nothing. This is ridiculous. I’m just panicking cause I miss him, and I love him, and I’m emotional cause it’s almost my time of month. Definitely… I can tell by how overreactive I am right now. I’m not going to point fingers. I’m going to take deep breaths…and trust him. I’m going to try and not think about it… he probably has the day off and he’s sleeping…or he passed out at his boss’ place after a super bowl party (which is on an island…so shitty signal)…or something like that.
Yeah…freaking out. I hate these parts of a long distance relationship.
Acutally…I hate this part about relationships.
I get jealous/insecure all the time…..over all sorts of things… hang in there love.